I just returned from a week with my grandkids where I didn’t feel like I did a good job. I wasn’t as strong or playful as I wanted to be, and I was judging myself hard. But I know that’s not helpful, because when we jump to judgment, we rarely stick the landing.

Judgment creates a gulf between us and those we judge, especially if we are judging ourselves. Judgment creates distance.

I believe we all have two voices in our heads, our Inner Judge and our Inner Guide. Our Inner Guide is the small voice inside us that always comes from a place of heart-based wisdom; our Inner Judge is the voice that has been honed by years of playing by society’s rules. We need both voices, because without an Inner Guide we would wander around aimlessly. And without an Inner Judge, we might find ourselves in front of a real judge!

The difficulty comes when our two selves are warring. The Inner Guide tells us to go easy or play with our kids outside, and the Inner Judge says we are WAY too busy for any of that nonsense. It’s the rush to judgment before listening to our heart that creates dissonance.

Judgment is a DNA-based habit that once helped us separate friend from foe and serves us well in times of crisis, when quick decisions are needed. But on a daily basis, it just takes us out of acceptance. It fades all the color in our life until we are left with only black and white—and that’s just boring.

I used to judge other people harshly—especially while driving alone. I would scream at drivers who cut me off. When the kids were with me, I would just fume internally until that cute little vein in my temple would begin to alarm my girls. I would push myself into a frothing rage and then feel exhausted after the adrenaline subsided. My commute became combat.

Judgement creates an “us vs. them” mentality, and it’s exhausting trying to maintain that level of threat analysis. Now I try to dial down the judgment with awareness. I know my default mode is Judgy, so I ask for help from my Inner Guide. If someone brags about their kids, I stop before I jump in with something bigger from my bag of kid stories and instead say, “That’s awesome! You must feel so proud! Way to go, mama!” The response from the parent is a softening into delight. Compassion creates connection.

So, I’m choosing compassion as I reflect on my daily grandmothering. I did what I could, and I’ll be stronger next time with my new weight training regimen. Because this is a marathon, not a sprint, and it’s important to me to do my best!

I dare you to try compassion instead of judgment. The next time someone pulls a boner move and cuts you off in traffic, imagine they have a really good reason, like rushing to the hospital or they’re late to pick up their kid, and send them compassion. And then send yourself some as well, because you’re worth it!

XO
Terri